From The Doncaster Road End

Seriously

Wakefield went top of the Super League table after a convincing win over Hull FC at the KC Stadium on Sunday.

Huh.

What is going on?

He’s left the building.

It is almost enough to make you want to re-start this thing.

Why not?

Just in case you’re wondering, you lost 3-0 at home to a team 34 places below you.

I’d look a little fed-up too if my team put in a performance like yours did (and they frequently do). I’ve seen “When Saturday Comes” (and today’s result is not sufficient compensation, believe me) and you might have carried more of a threat than the strikeforce your lot lined up with today.

Annoyingly, though, I don’t think the Swans are going to get the credit they deserve. Even before the game, no-one was picking this as a shock (apart from former Swans cup giant-killing hero being prescient when he was aiming for tabloid-headline and Blade1889 on Sheff U’s Vital Football forum). Even Five Live had no faith, dispatching their top commentators to other games and using a RadioLocal-type to report, although at half-time even he managed to comment that “it was difficult to determine which was the Premiership side” (I suspect this was due to the Blades’ ineptitude rather than skill on our part though!).

Not for the first time, however, digital radio came to the rescue. Turning away from Five Live (did I ever think it possible???), Radio CardiffWales were providing commentary (only because the Bluebirds are playing tomorrow, probably) and thus I was treated to 45 mins of audio bliss, with phrases such as “toying with Premiership opposition” in plentiful supply. It will be interesting to see if the stats bear out my perception of our dominance based on the commentary (acknowledging that even Radio CardiffWales weren’t neutral) because I can’t recall any significant period of time where Sheff U had us on the rack.

But already the achievement has been diminished; it’s been pointed out that the Blades fielded a weakened team (well, so did we) and Alan Green (boo!!) has surmised that they didn’t really care - I think the reaction of the Bramall Lane crowd at full-time begs to differ. Sean - if you’re anything like your character Sharpe (insert Blades & Sharpe pun here) you’ll be thirsty for revenge. I predict you’ll have two chances next season…

I’m relieved for Alan Pardew. He doesn’t deserve to be getting grief from every quarter like he has been of late. There’s the players that we all suspect were pushed onto him, in Tevez and the other bloke who’s name begins with the letter “M”, there’s the takeover talk where most of the consortia bidding for the club would want him replaced, and there’s the fact that he hadn’t won for eight matches until today.

That’s one of the few matches I’ve seen in the Premiership this year - I’ve been otherwise engaged for a lot of the time - and I did enjoy the end to end stuff of that against Blackburn. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that West Ham should be right up at the top of the table, but surely with the talent in that side, it should be a proper match against Mark Hughes’ Blackburn, which is a close knit side. There’s some exceptionally talented teams in the Premiership this year, and to be mid-table shouldn’t be seen as underperforming. That’s where West Ham should be for me. Not top six yet, but a couple of seasons time.

Oh, and as for West Ham potentially getting the 2012 Olympics Stadium after the games: they can sod right off. These games need to leave a legacy for athletics in this country, not do a “Manchester City” and give away a top class facility.

According to the BBC News Website:

Sheffield Wednesday have interviewed Scunthorpe boss Brian Laws for their vacant managerial post.

No. Get your hands off. It is bad enough people sniffing around our players and the expectation that Sharp and Keogh will get poached come January without our pretty good manager being stolen. Sweet hell.

Not that you’d've noticed that our manager’s been in post for a long time - the list of longest serving managers on Sky Sports 1 before the Crewe -Man U game tonight bore little resemblance to this list. Huh.

This puts a different spin on it, doesn’t it?

The issue was purely one of money, despite his public comments that he wanted a new challenge, to play abroad and so forth. These were just a smokescreen to cover up the fact he was hawking himself to the highest bidder.

He went on to threaten that if he was forced to play, or if he was disciplined and financially punished for his breach of the rules, that he could score an own goal or get himself sent off, or make deliberate mistakes.

Mmm. Apart from the confusion as to who’s telling the truth, has anyone else got the mental image of John Terry having to cut Gallas’ legs out from under him as he tore towards the Chelsea keeper?

It has oft been reported that Chelsea will have problems keeping all of these superstars happy - well, if this is true, you wonder if there are more problems below the surface, and applaud the current players for keeping it all so tight lipped. If this is entirely over money, what has Wenger got himself into? If only 50% of this is true, and the player grows older and becomes less able, is he going to demand more? Will he upset the finely tuned balance at Ashburton Grove?

This isn’t going to go away this week, so it will be an interesting one to watch develop.

I don’t want to be rude about these two teams, but seriously, we’re in half time during the England - Andorra match and I’m wondering what the point of playing a team whose population is lower than the capacity of Old Trafford.

As I found out earlier this week, the FA Cup has 687 teams in competition from across England - I was trying to work out when both Salisbury and Wakefield would be entering the competition. Before the “first round” (remembering that the Premiership teams start the “third round”), there are actually six rounds to get this number of 687 down to 124.

So why isn’t this tinpot UEFA competition’s qualifying changed? We’re in a group of seven countries, which means we need to have 12 international matches before we qualify. Why isn’t the FIFA seeding system used to cut it down to managable level.

I’m not a big fan of England internationals, and that shows here. But the main reason I’m annoyed is when this current match and Scotland’s 6-0 victory against the Faroe Islands is combined with Blatter’s comments about cutting down the number of teams in Europe’s highest domestic leagues from 20 to 18 so there can be four more international days - well, I’d rather be watching a domestic match that matters.

On the other hand, if we didn’t have these kind of matches, we wouldn’t have Roddy Forsyth coming out with cliched but still fun lines like this during a Faroe Island’s substitution:

Well, they might as well be rearranging the deckchairs on the Titantic about now. True, in this half, they’re drawing with Scotland, but it is the five goals in the first half that makes the difference…

A post-script to David’s fine article:

• it’s the second year in a row that the Oval test has left the crowd bemused because of strange umpiring - recall the curious finish to the final Ashes test!
• we don’t quite know what went on inside the Pakistani dressing room, but we know that Inzamam is facing the wrath of the ICC and, as captain, he probably knew he’d have to take the rap. However, fat boys who moan a lot receive a sympathetic audience from this author, especially when they appear to have a moral case.
• Darrell Hair has had a colourful history; his place in cricketing lore is assured, even if his welcome in Karachi hotels is not. After reading all that though, we at least know what Hell’s Ironic Punishment division would have in store for him should he get there - bound & gagged, he’ll be made to watch an infinite number of Murali-bowled doosras with tampered balls.

Speaking of irony though, people often criticise cricket for being dull because nothing happens but yesterday it was riveting viewing because precisely nothing was happening! And even before the madness descended, the game was finely balanced & competitive - a damn sight better than yesterday’s other major sporting events. How long did the final round of the USPGA stay a contest? Arguably, it was all over as soon as Tiger birdied the first. And as for yesterday’s football, well, if you’re a Fulham fan you must be flying - as in “Be afraid, be very afraid”. If that’s their best, how bad are the players they got rid of to, er, Swansea? For your answer, look towards the bottom of League 1. At least we won on Saturday but, in the spirit of the whole weekend, their defeat of Doncaster appears to have been affected by…dodgy umpiring!

… or rather, don’t, because this afternoon’s cricket really wasn’t funny if you were trying to watch it, and especially not if you were actually there with little explanation from the staff at the ground. For what is one of the most modern games at the moment, this afternoon’s activity descended into a sporting shambles not seen, well, er, since the 2005 American Formula 1 Grand Prix.

The umpires, Hair and Doctrove “suspected” there had been some ball tampering by Pakistan in their bowling attack against England, so changed the ball and gave five penalty runs to England. Fine. Well, not fine, a pretty serous accusation is implied by the action of changing the ball and declaring it had been “altered artifically”.

So, to an early tea everyone goes, with Pakistan still in the lead despite England having put on almost 300 runs. At 4:45, play is meant to start. The umpires arrive. So do the batsmen. But the Pakistan fielding side doesn’t. The changing room door stays locked. The umpires walk off. Then walk back on. With England.

Time passes. Then the bails come off. Then the stumps come out of the ground and the covers are on. Sky Television, bless them, really don’t know what to make of it, but are doing a much better job than any of the “officials” involved. The two chairman are seen conferring, but nothing is happening - other than the ICC officials are probably scrawling in their notebook about the use of mobile phones in the dressing room, god forbid such a thing.

But then, miraculously, the covers come off, the stumps are replaced, and things look like they’re going to happen. Pakistan returns, England players head back out to bat. Everything looks rosy. Except for the men in the white coats. Well, not those, but you do wonder if they should have been brought in. The umpires do not take the field.

Meanwhile, the crowd at the Oval are thanked for their patience, and asked to wait for more information. They don’t take this well. The big ring of stewards forcing the crowd and Pakistan apart may be normal as they procede to and from the dressing room, but you feel as if it maybe a little more serious this time.

The chairman of the PCB is interviewed by Sky, some 65 minutes after this had all kicked off - at this point, those of you who hadn’t already given up on the Chelsea game were probably switching over - and he confirmed that Pakistan hadn’t forfeited, but were making an honest process. Bumble confirms this, reading the rulebook out live on TV - yes, that’s what it had got to.
By six pm, the day’s play was off. But no statement from the ICC - just a short message from the fourth umpire expressing that “there would be no further play today” - nothing about tomorrow, no “sorry for the confusion”, nothing.

Eventually, around 10pm tonight, it came out that the game had been abandoned, with the match being awarded to England, despite them not having scored more than Pakistan in two innings. A joint statement from the ECB, PCB and ICC was issued.

After lengthy negotiations which resulted in agreement between the teams, the match referee and both the ECB and PCB to resume the fourth Test tomorrow, it was concluded that with regret there will be no play on the fifth day. The fourth Test has therefore been forfeited with the match being awarded to England.

In accordance with the laws of cricket, it was noted that the umpires had correctly deemed that Pakistan had forfeited the match and awarded the test to England. The Pakistan team was aggrieved by the award of five penalty runs to England.

The award of those penalty runs for alleged interference with the ball is under review by the ICC match referee Mike Proctor, whose report will be considered in due course. ICC will be issuing a separate report concerning action which may be taken in relation to the forfeiture of the match by Pakistan.

At this point it isn’t really clear what’s gone on - during these talks, did Pakistan forfeit the match - they certainly didn’t on the field according to Bumble, whose interpretation of the rules I wouldn’t like to question. Or were the umpires ust not for shifting, even by the ICC?

They’ll be a 40% refund today for people, and a full refund for spectators. The ECB has apologised to spectators, listeners and viewers, but let’s face it, it isn’t their fault. Pakistan are clearly pissed off at the accusations - who wouldn’t be - but I don’t think they wanted to not bother, as relations between the players and sides are pretty damn good.

No, something smells here. And it isn’t just to let the 12,000 people who were meant to be there tomorrow go and see “Snakes on a Plane”, like these Aussie fans watching Pakistan in 2005 might have wanted to…

♥ Rooney was red carded for Manchester United. Clever, if the referee reports it, you may miss the start of the season.
♥ As was Scholes.
♥ The Amsterdam tournament. The players seemed very happy to win that. Oh, hang on…
♥ You get a young striker on a free from Liverpool who’s also played for Manchester United. Then he scores against Brigg Town and breaks his ankle. Yay. Welcome to Scunthorpe, Ramon Calliste.
♥ Or you lose your £18.9 million signing for the start of the season. I think I’ve used the phrase
♥ You lose your last friendly 5-0. Who? Liverpool. Those seven goals against Birmingham aren’t that funny now, are they?
♥ Now you’ve told him to stop doing flips to celebrate scoring, LuaLua does something else to screw up his ankle.
♥ You’re so short of players that you start as a substitute. But at least your nickname is Psycho.
♥ You get told that your choices are impressing in these friendlies or your name can go on the transfer list. Clearly, you did something right, SWP, as you’re back in the England squad.
♥ We break a brand new England striker. Sorry Dean. Really sorry, West Ham.
♥ It takes limping off five minutes into your pointless American All-Star game to finally realise that your manager loves you.

“You could see his quality as a player. He is a player that I need but don’t have.” - Jose.

♥ Ashley Cole is offically ill and hence is absent. So what is he doing in this picture?

(He’s promoting the National Lottery)